Monday, June 11, 2018

Rash of Suicide

Seems suicide is happening more and more frequently.  It has been on the news quite a bit this week with Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade and their passing.  I am of two minds because it blows me away that people do not understand how this can happen, and two, that it is happening in the first place.

Why do I understand this "sudden" phenomenon?  Because I spend a lot of time in the dregs and miasma of wishing I was done with this life.  My mother once tried to commit suicide with us kids right in the home.  I once tried myself when I was 21.  I get it.  Would I try again?  Cannot unequivocally say no I would not, but I do not think so.  

When you try to talk of your feelings and emotions to someone, anyone, they do not want to hear it.  They think you are Debbie Downer (no offense to any Debbie's out there).  They think you are negative.  They think you need help.  At best, they tell you that you need help and advise that you see someone.  How does this help?

For me, I know why I get down, I know what I want, what I need.  I can talk until I am blue in the face to "someone," but it does not change the situation.  Medications?  Really?  I personally do not want to be tied to them.  I get that they take the edge off.  But it still does not fix the problems.  

I maintain that everybody wants and needs to be loved.  I maintain that everybody wants and needs to matter to someone.  I maintain that our "friends" are too busy with their own lives to be there when we really need them.  Or they are going through their own particular hell.  Who knows?  We all deserve respect and human dignity.  Yes, there are pure and simple dirtbags out there with psychologically twisted thinking.  I get it.  I do not know what causes it, but I get it.  Maybe if we had parents who spent the requisite time building us up, teaching us, loving us...maybe this is all it takes.  And then again, maybe not because I did have that much going for me.  Yes, I guess I still have my Leave It to Beaver mentality and idea of what life should be for all of us.  Dreamer.  

Sunday, June 10, 2018

Bitter? Cynical? Me?

OMG! This NEW laptop from Amazon is giving me absolute fits!!!!  I HATE being frustrated.  I cannot tell you how often I hit enter with no response for MINUTES, not seconds.  How much I can type before any words appear!!!  I have no idea what the problem is but of course, cannot afford to take it in to a shop.  I am now wondering if I bought a reconditioned (HAH!) computer but do not recall reading that in the description.  There is so much tension in my neck and shoulders right now from frustration.  My jaws are even hurting, and a slight headache is forming.

As usual, reading through the headlines on my home screen for the internet and I just get so crazy stupefied over the foolishness that makes news.  I was kind of hard hit by the article on Redmond O'Neal (Ryan and Farrah's son).  Of rising suicide rates...of the stupid shallow @#$& that makes the news.  Ok...I quite this post.  The computer is just too much of a problem.

Friday, June 8, 2018

Hope and Help

Well, I have been officially divorced for one week today.  I will not lie and say I have not been in contact with Jeff.  However, it is more of the same dreck and I have now not communicated with him in 2 days and have no intention of it going forward.  He is unable to see any perspective, any point of view other than his own.  This makes everyone liars in his eyes.  I never thought like him and that was tough pill to swallow, for both of us.  It is done.  His last text to me was enough to send me out yesterday to get my name changed on important things:  social security card, driver's license, and my bank account.  The rest (things I pay for) I can change as I go along on my bill paying.  I hope it will not be much of a problem but it must be done.  I think the hardest  part is done and I even ordered new checks today (though I do not use them much anymore, they are necessary I think).

So the hope and help part of this:  Attorney fees are really tough when you do not have much in the way of extraneous cash.  I contacted the circuit clerk's office and found I could download forms and file myself.  Since there were no children, no assets, no joint debt, this was easy.  So for $507 and me doing the paperwork, the divorce process was simplified and quick.  I picked my court date and with the modern technology we have today, at least in my county, even the filing of the dissolution was done the same day as the court hearing.  It is completely over and I have the filed document in hand.  Jeff showed up at court, was kind and civil to me that day (which had me crying for the might have been).

I also will not lie and say this has been easy.  I loved Jeff so very much.  Even up to two days ago had he ever said he loved me madly and passionately, had he accepted one iota of responsibility for the degradation of this marriage, I would have gone back.  But I have to face reality.  This man was a bully and abusive.  He was the handsomest man ever (to my mind) but looks alone are not enough for me after all.  I guess I was shallow.  I guess I could not see past my physical attraction and trust me, it was visceral.  My BP went up every time he came near me.  I have never had that happen before!

I think I can honestly say I am over this.  I tried everything, gave this every chance and opportunity.  I was foolish.  I am done.  I am not ready to have a serious relationship but I will try to remain open to possibilities down the road.  I do know that I do not want to marry again.  I am a four-time loser and do not know how to pick a man who is good for me and vice versa.  Better to keep it friends, companions, and who knows...?

So going forward?  No more talk of this universal and colossal mistake I made.  It is not uplifting nor is it helpful, other than more self-examination and recrimination (which I do enough without any outside impetus needed).  I work a lot so do not have much time, hence I have not been able to keep up with the art challenge.  Too bad because I was super excited about it!  I have a final bookkeeping project to do (for a course I took) to get that behind me and I have not had my head in the right place to even begin tackling it.  I have to get it done.  Then I need a library book or three.  I love to read and can get lost in a book.  Always could.

So while I think I am past this...I hope and pray...doesn't mean my taste in music has changed.  I LOVE my musical style.  What is on my mind today?

Monday, June 4, 2018

Doodlewash #3 and #4

The host of the Doodlewash blog is giving daily hints for pieces so I am following along.  You might wonder why I am sharing these but it is purely a love of art.  I am quite aware that I suck at it, but I am using this challenge as practice.  Even though these were drawn fairly quickly, I did use photo references and I am NOT selling them, I still thought about what I was doing.  I still looked at what I was drawing and my reference and tried to figure out why what I can see in the photo did not come through my arm and into my pencil...  I do not get it...why can I not draw what I see?  Something always goes awry.  Bah!

#3 hint:  Boat

#4 hint:  Wildlife

So yesterday my now ex-husband was nicely texting me.  I am not sure why.  I am a sniveling mess and it just hurts me when he shows any interest or care.  I don't know why I love him but I do.  I guess a huge part of me believes I deserve what he gave me when we were married.

Enough.'s music from my heart...Chicago's own (and named after our Buckingham Fountain)...

Sunday, June 3, 2018

Doodlewash #2

Speaks for itself.  One of my favorite songs and fitting for my mood.  If I ever have a memorial service, this is the song I would like played...

Doodlewash 1 (more to come)

June 1st goal was "sunshine."  Believe it or not, this simple mess is round 2.  Round 1 started out better but as usual, it fell apart in the end.  I kind of set myself a goal of working on drawing skills, which are non-existent for me, but wanted to do this June challenge.  As you can see, I am also two days behind, though yesterday's challenge of a "garden" at least has some color wash laid in.  These efforts of childish.  It is why I can easily throw in the towel and give up on art completely.  No one can tell me I don't suck at it.  I am hoping to at least get caught up today.  In hindsight, not set in stone though, right?  I do not have to do this challenge.  Just occurred to me that I am working 3 nights this week (after my day job), and as usual, next Saturday morning.  I might not manage the energy needed especially while so down on myself.

Lazy, hazy days of summer
My divorce is final and already filed.  The same day as court, which surprised me.  I was a sniveling mess.  He was decent to me, though stated he did want this divorce.  I had hoped for a hail Mary right up to the end.  I got nothing but rehashing of all my perceived misdeeds.  I do not know why I love someone who simply cannot love me.  I do not know why I didn't figure this out BEFORE we married.  I do not know why I want someone in my life, why I am lonely, why I am scared of this world and being alone.  I don't know anything.

So on a lighter note, this challenge made me remember this song:

Friday, June 1, 2018


So today I head to court for my divorce.  I have no idea if Jeff is going to show up; he knew about the date/time/location.  Yesterday he texted asking if he had to be there.  As much as I do not want to see him because it breaks my heart, I hope he shows so this doesn't get dragged out.  It has been a long time coming and I just need to put it behind me.

Lonely...I just don't want to be lonely...but I am.  I have always been a loner and did not expect to feel this way as I can generally amuse myself, however not so much this time.  I married my best friend.  Once married that all fell away.  Thank God for my sister-in-law and working two jobs.  I think it is helping me keep going when I am in a time that I do not want to.  Keep going that is.

I see I am not getting much blog traffic.  That is ok.  I am too much in my own head and I imagine people are put off by that.  And I am sure it does not help that I shut off comments.  I just do not want or need more criticism.  When I started this blog I wanted to be able to give my opinions because no one ever listens to me.  I feel invisible.  Unloved.  Unwanted.  I wanted a voice.  Everyone else can have one; why can't I?

Speaking of opinions, I am sure you all have heard about Roseanne, her tv show cancellation, etc.  Do I have an opinion?  Yep.  And while we are at it, what about Samantha Bee and her comment?

Roseanne:  What she said was abhorrent.  I do not in any way shape or form agree with that level of bullying.  For that is what it was.  Bullying.  While I applaud ABC for not allowing that kind of behavior, quite a few people lost their jobs over this.  Because of the actions of one person.  Was that fair?  Nope.  I liked the show.  The first couple of episodes didn't gel for me because they were not like they were 20 or 30 years ago.  But by the third episode I could see they were becoming more comfortable and the tv personalities were heading back to the way they used to be.  But to me, this whole event is a huge slippery slope.

Why?  Because of the constitution allowing for freedom of speech.  Roseanne has always been known for her loud and brash opinions.  Comedians...or comediennes...are known for hitting on some unsuspecting person or group.  Is it ok?  Being on the receiving end of bullying I present an unequivocal NO.  But that said, sticks and stones...?  Funny coming from me because words hurt me more than anything else does.  Ultimately I believe that ABC took a stand and I applaud them for it.  She was flat out wrong.  I just wish she had kept her mouth shut.  I wish others did not have to pay for her mistake.  She has apologized.  For what its worth.

That said, then we have Samantha Bee:  Bullying at its finest.  She attacked the President's daughter.  To my knowledge that woman (Ivanka) has never done anything to anybody that warrants being called the name she was called, the allusion that was made about her and her father (which is how I interpreted it).  It was said on air.  Let me ask you this.  Did Samantha Bee's show get canceled?  Hmmm...

And here we have it.  A huge crux of an issue for me.  Roseanne makes a bullying statement and swift action follows.  Samantha Bee bullies someone and while her apology is out there, she still has her job.  She can still feed her family.

So I am sure Roseanne can still feed her family.  It was rather metaphorical to make a point.  If the US is now going to regulate what comes out of people's mouths, we are in a world of hurt.  Yes, consequences should and do arise from our actions.  It is what prevents this country and its inhabitants from complete and total chaos and anarchy.  I see politicos saying all manner of crap.  Watch the ads for the governor's race here in Illinois.  They have slowed down a bit now that the primary is over, but I suspect they will gear up again soon.  I think the election is in November so the onslaught should ratchet up again.  I have heard horrendous things about myself that are completely different than I think or believe or live by.  Words hurt folks.

I am led back to my belief that "progress" isn't always the best thing (ha!  by definition progress means moving forward) but in fact is regression.  Regression to a time when it was kill or be killed in this world.  How I miss when values were taught at home, when kids were wanted and loved and helped in life.  When manners mattered.  When thoughts were worked through behind closed doors and people genuinely liked each other and helped each other.  Guess I am glad I am at the later years in life.  I hope and pray my kids, my grandkids, and eventually great grandkids...I hope and pray that they can get through this life finding love, finding some joy, and missing the nastiness of people.

Rash of Suicide

Seems suicide is happening more and more frequently.  It has been on the news quite a bit this week with Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spad...